I’ve had A LOT of people say this to me recently. I both appreciate it and want to say fuck you to people that point it out.
Who knew that SUDDENLY it’s not what you say, but how you say it? Perhaps I should pay more attention to idioms…
I think people misinterpret my tone. They personalize it (and i should know because i’m the queen of personalizing it) and then jump to the most negative conclusions. I don’t know why and I can’t control what people think and feel, but of course it ends up being my fault: MY TONE.
What exactly does MY TONE sound like? Brusqe? Short? Annoyed? Mean? Obviously I’m not trying to sound like any of those things. Except when I am. I would think people who know I like them would know the difference. Seems that’s not always the case.
So… the goal is to sound sweeter. More even tempered. Not annoyed. Relaxed. I guess?
Some friends, some very very good friends, know that that’s just the way I sound. All the words and phrases just come out that way! Would it be false of me to attempt to supress my tone of voice? To actively change myself? Or would it be an attempt on my part to grow and take my effect on other people into consideration? To consider my role?
I lean towards the latter. That is the one that promotes personal growth. That is the one that’s the hardest to do. My tone of voice has gotten me in trouble with men, at work, with friends, with family. It is CLEARLY something I need to work on. But I don’t even know how. I don’t even know I’m doing anything wrong until I get the dreaded, “Its your tone!”
As much as I’d like to be self-aware at every moment of every day, it’s just not happening all the time. Sometimes I’m thoughtless. Sometimes I do and/or say things that are inappropriate or unnecessary.
When I was younger, in my twenties (when I was younger in my twenties?!), I read this book called The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the Four Agreements was to be impeccable with your word. Another was don’t take anything personally. Those are the two that have stuck with me. I can’t honestly say I’ve taken the advice even half of the time, but those two agreements follow me. Obviously, it’s my tone.
L.A. DAYS & NIGHTS 
Great post about your “tone.”
Once upon a time, people would say the same thing to me…but I didnt “hear” it for quite some time…years.
I needed that tone as my buffer zone, my crutch, my armor, my “if you don’t like it, F off…”
I didnt want to be close to anyone at that point in my life.
I couldnt be close to anyone at that point in my life.
I was still doing work, trying to figure out who I deserved to be, and why, and how, and when…then there was a switch…you were around in those days as the switch was finally taking place…not a switch, a welcomed transition…the moment when I began taking control of my life instead of using everyone as an excuse for why my life sucked…was so hard…was so difficult…why I thought everyone was so stupid.
The fact was, they werent stupid, nor was I…they had a different life, a different vision, different goals than the ones I had/wanted.
The moment I began jumping lots of ships and sailing off in my own direction (teaching at HBH instead of working for other people who didnt have the same desire I did to help others) my tone began to change…I had no idea.
As I had not “heard” the comments about my tone, I had not been aware that my tone had changed until people began telling me things like:
“you have such a motivating way of speaking”
“you always say the most positive things”
“I can always count on you to cheer me up”
Holy Cow!
I had no idea!
The moment I began hearing those comments was the moment I realized what people had been saying to me before…the comments about my “tone” took years to travel to my ears and did not make it till after I had begun hearing the really nice things…how did that happen? How did I finally “hear” my former tone?
My actions, my taking charge of my vision instead of blaming my failures on others, cleared my ears, cleared the path to change my tone and change the reception of those who heard me…the reception change was because the company I began to keep had changed…I not only had begun moving towards my goals under my own propulsion, I had begun meeting kinder, more productive, non-bitter, thriving people, while enjoying my new journey…
I love looking back at the person I was, the “tone” I used to use…it reminds me of how far I’ve traveled, and reminds me that I may have a tone now that I dont hear and my change in the future…it’s exciting, it’s humbling…I was happy with my tone then, I am happy with my tone now (even when that old tone creeps back in and reminds me I better reevaluate my course of travel if my tone is getting ugly), and I cannot wait to see how this tone looks and sounds to the me I will be in 5 year…
🙂
hmmm, I love that you made me think!
hugs!
M
🙂
@Melissa
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad the post sparked your thoughts. You always inspire me with your life wisdom!
Hugs!
🙂
My significant other and I agree, “This would be an excellent introduction to your 1st book.”. I love that I can hear you with every word I read. I can’t wait for your next one…
@Jacqui
Well thanks to you and your significant other! 🙂 Your support means so much girl, I really really appreciate it and you!